Last year I memorized Psalm 139 and I am so grateful that David reminded me that God sees, knows, and cares about everything that is going on in my life. It has been and will continue to be a journey of faith and the purpose for this blog is so I can look back and remember what God has done in my life and hopefully, chronicle my growth through the journey.
I am continually grieving the loss of my soul mate, my lover, my rock. I am realizing anew that God is the only one that can fill the void in my heart. I thought that I knew that truth before but now I realize how much stability and confidence I put in the team of “Rich and Cilla.” Many days I feel like a single person even though I’m not a widow. It is a strange reality that I often feel like I’m a couple of one! I know that doesn’t make sense – believe me, it doesn’t make sense to live in that reality either. You see, I can’t really share the struggles and cares of life with Rich anymore because it is too overwhelming or confusing for him. I have to explain simple things to him continually because he doesn’t remember how things work anymore. A dear friend of ours died in June of 2019 and when I mention that I spoke to his widow, Rich asks how Greg is doing. I’ve had to tell him three times that Greg died and watch as Rich grieved anew each time. It breaks my heart. Rich sometimes becomes angry and morose (although not as often now that his anti-depressant meds have been increased) because he knows that he is losing his ability to function on his own. My outgoing, fun-loving husband of yesteryear wants to stay home where things are a bit more predictable and he won’t feel judged by others. The only place that he ever wants to go is skiing or to the grocery store to buy his favorite treats! So of course, we got him a season pass to Bogus Basin Ski Resort this year. It is such a joy to see him feel normal and function like everyone else!
Anyway, back to Psalm 139!
Verse five reminds me that God has my past and my future in his purview and His hand is on me to navigate through the entire thing. Thank you, Lord, for walking through this hard thing with me. You are my source of strength and a help in every situation! I will cling to you because I have no choice! I choose to trust and lean on you!
1You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
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